A quickening heartbeat. A silent breath. A daydream of ‘what if.’
I grew up with a loving family, good friends and my needs with plenty of wants all met. I wasn’t abused or neglected or bullied. The potential my life had was sickening. And I was wasting it away feeling sorry for myself and being horribly lonely.
To get past my hurts I needed to admit I felt horrible, I needed to get out of the denial, out of the numbing behaviors of gossip rags and spending and eating. I consumed so I wouldn’t have to think. In Lamentations 2:18 it reads “The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. O wall of the Daughter of Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest.” I needed to recognize my grief and my anger at God. He knew what was in my shameful heart anyway; I just needed to finally admit it.
Once the admission of grief and hopelessness was given up and surrendered to God, miracles began to happen. It truly was like the next chapter in Lamentations 3:24, “I say to myself, “the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” God is all I need to get me through the day. I pray for the ability to carry out His will in my life, for His will to be my focus. Life began to get better because of the continual surrender process; there is safety in hope instead of a ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ pessimism.
We can be filled up daily. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lam 3:22-23. Hope cannot be forced but if we surrender despair, hope fulfills these promises.